Quotes to Laugh At

There's a lot of stupid stuff in the world, but thankfully there's a lot of funny things too. Here are some I got from the world around ME. 
As I hear more funny things I'll update this post.

Things I said:

"Well, you don't have to worship the trumpet, especially since you're woodwinds."

*Another trumpet says something weird and my friends hear it* 
"It's a trumpet thing, you wouldn't understand."

*The older trumpets are being obnoxious* 
"See, this is what happens when you bunch together a big group of brass players in one spot."

"I think my feet and marching shoes melted together this morning, and now that whole thing is melting into the astro turf..."

"BANANA PRINT VANS!!!" (Yeah, they exist!)

http://www.vans.com/shop/womens-shoes/bananas-sk8-hi-slim-ballerina-true-white

"Ok, you cannot pack a suitcase just by upending a dresser drawer into it!" (in response to a how-to-pack book)

"Merci pour le chocolate-- WHAT ARE THOSE!?!?!?" (as I see banana-chocolate chip muffins on the countertop)

"No- do not break logic. NOTHING MATTERS BUT MARCHING BAND!!!"

(Typing something and being pestered to type faster)
"I'm a-tryin'! Be patient! We trumpets can't do everything as fast as you!"

Things my parents said:

(Dad) "Those mutes are definitely toilet plungers."
(Me) "No, Dad, they aren't. They're mutes and they were made to be mutes."
(Dad) "Yeah, but they had to have at least been made in a toilet plunger factory."
(Me) "NO, they're made as mutes in a mute factory! Never were they a part of toilet plungers!"
(Dad) *laughs*
(Me) "Dad...kindly don't say that in front of any upperclassmen..."
(Dad) *keeps laughing*

"Will you wipe the dirt off your running shoes please?"

*I'm eating something with my fingers* 
"You won't want to be doing that when you go over to someone's house for dinner- especially if they're a hot brass player!"
*Facedesk* 

"How is it again that you got interested in trumpet? Where'd you get that idea?"
(To be honest I don't know)

"Look at this, I got an Apple watch!" 
(I didn't even have the remotest idea my dad was going to buy one, he just showed up with it one day)

Things teachers said:

"You should be on a yard line or on a yard line or on a yard line or ON A YARD LINE!"

(Me) "I'm getting to the point where it's like, 'More band, more band, more band...'"
(Mr. Hase) "More cowbell."
(Me) "Yep."

*stops the band* "Where're my 3rd trumpets?"
*Has 3rds play their note*
"That was cute. That note needs more. PLAY LOUDER."

*Talking about dating*
(Teacher) "Where would you go, Emma?"
(Me, totally caught unawares) "What? On a date? Uh... I don't know. Marching band?!"
*Everyone laughs*

*Friend is eating applesauce*
(Mr. Hase) "Is that...corn soup? Corn? What..."
"...No! Applesauce!"
"Oh... it just smells kind of like corn in this corner over here."
"Well, the spoon is made of corn..."
"...Oh. Ok."
*Friend and I share a look*

(Mr. Tanner, orchestra teacher) "How do you prevent your flute from being stolen?"
(Us) "BACH!" (Mr. Tanner jokes that the answer to everything is Bach)
"For once, no- you put it in a clarinet case!"

(Mr. Taylor walks onto director's podium and starts a great split F chord)
"Wow...not many people can just walk up and start a great chord! It's like you're my minions! Well...maybe not. Whatever."

Things my friends said:

"I know everything about the alignment of the stars and you're a Gemini by the way." 

"My jacket smells like the barn..."

"I literally forgot everything over the weekend, so I don't know how to do math now."

(About Romeo and Juliet) "The first time I saw this movie I thought it was fabulous..."
(Me) "HOW COULD YOU."

"Emma, do we have a math final on Friday?!?"

"Ok, am I the only person at this table that thought the prequels to Star Wars were amazing?"
(the other 3 of us) "YES YOU ARE."
(Me) "But it's ok, once you've seen Episode 6 all of that opinion will go away."

*In a text conversation in which we were discussing what we were going to do at each other's weddings, whenever those may be* 
"Yeah, we'll be marching up the aisle and we'll be the wedding escort and everything and we'll play the music and WAIT YOU'RE GOING TO MARRY SAM?!?!?!?!?"
(Me) "... I never said that. I just said I was going to marry another trumpet player, which IS NOT limited to our school!"

(Holding up a dollar to donate, talking to the person holding the donation jar) 
"Hey person! Come hereeeeeee!!!"

"I have a stalker boyfriend!!! Yet he doesn't know I exist."

"This pencil makes weird noises!" (Wha...?)

Things other people in band said:

*After having water bottles thrown at him on the band bus* 
"DO YOU WANT TO FEEL MY FULL WRATH?!?!" 
(answer: no, you don't, it was another trumpet!)

*At pep band* "These shorts aren't even dress code but I'm getting twenty dollars for wearing them anyway!" 
*He says it about 40 more times to everyone in the room before FINALLY talking about something else*

*In a tuning circle at marching band* 
(Section leader Sam) "You guys have really bad contagious tuning..."

*Sectional time*
"Ok, we'll start with--"
*Someone starts laughing subtly because above-speaking person's trumpet had leaky spit valves and leaked spit all over his jeans*
"What?" *Starts looking at himself in the Green Room mirror*
(all of us are laughing now)
*Finally realizes his pants are soaked with spit*
"...Oh. Now, I was saying, let's start with 'Space'..."
*Everyone returns to normal*


Things I overheard:

"We were thinking about stealing Donald Trump's hair and selling it..."

(A right-handed person) "Stuff I write with my left hand is actually better than stuff I write normally..."

"Shaggy turtle? Where?!"